A few years ago I sold my gaming computer thinking it would turn me into Jeff Bezos.
Handed it to a stranger in a Sheetz parking lot and watched him drive off with my happiness.
3 years later and I still don’t know if it was the best thing Ive ever done or one of the dumbest.
Lasting change always follows a life canon event.
Moments that build the man and make the lore. Hitting rock bottom. Tragedy. Isolation.
The only way to overcome the emotional burden of these moments is to change into the person who can handle them.
I can think about all of the big changes I’ve made in my life and can point to the event that forced me to make that specific change.
I started taking my health seriously after a panic attack in college. I started going to the gym after my little brother could finally beat my ass.
My video game addiction was sentenced to death on a life changing trip to Greece. The version of me that left the house did not return home.
Sipping the local brew with my baby bro, tipsy, at peace, overlooking the Mediterranean, my prefrontal cortex literally just turned on.
“I will never be able to do this, for my family or for myself, if I keep living the way I am now.”
This trip, this moment, these views, these people, were what I came to realize were really important to me. And anything that prevents me from doing more of this, is now a no.
I knew instantly what the bottleneck was.
I was putting up insane numbers
I did the math once, not disclosing.
1000s and 1000s of hours of CoD, League, Runescape, and WoW. Enough to learn to cook, study a language, play an instrument, perfect a sport, woodworking, whittling, pilot school, hunting. What if I had done literally anything else?
For fucks sake I’d be Beethoven right now.
Good thing I evaporated my youth only to be hardstuck diamond.
Video games, for me, were all consuming. All I ever wanted to do, the only place I ever wanted to be, was grinding weapon camos, acquiring BIS gear, hitting the next rank up the ladder.
My late teens, early 20s. I loved it. So many great memories.
But the skills I acquired, the status I received, the things that I built, were all temporary. All fake. All gone the second I picked up a new game.
This, is the fundamental problem with video games.
We as humans have a need for purpose. For growth. Self actualization. Every little kid in elementary school learns about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and although self actualization sits near the top, it is still core to our being.
We need to make things. We need to acquire. We need to learn and build and gain experience and move through life feeling like we are getting better.
Video games are incredible at pretending to plug that gap.
It all feels so real. It feels like we are achieving. It feels like we are growing. It feels like we are making something of ourselves. It feels like our time is being well spent.
These games, they make us happy, they make us forget time, they give us a much needed escape.
Herein lies the tragedy. Its just way too easy to get stuck role playing as some overly handsome god human.
Theyre lotus flowers. Literal time sinks. They will steal a whole night from you if you let them. Or a whole decade.
You wont even notice it. Your brain leaves your body and dives into some made up wonderland.
It makes you forget youre dying. Makes you forget all of the pain and the bullshit and the annoyances of real life. No matter who you are, what you face, all of it goes away for a little while.
Its a drug. You forget. Over and over you make yourself forget. You forget that life isnt happening in there. The clock stops, hours zip by, days sometimes, without you noticing.
Its magnificent.
But the clock never stopped.
You are not a god human. You cannot jump like Mario, you are not jacked like DK, you dont have aura like Master Chief.
You log out and you go from Ezio Auditore to John Doe.
See, knowing you will die, truly internalizing that fact, is terrifying. Stress inducing. Awful really. Most of life’s anxiety is tailored around death, at least for me. Happens for all of us at some point.
But its that very fact, knowing it, that allows us to show up as our best selves in life. Its what motivates us and makes moments what they are.
Never taking that idea to heart, never considering it, means never really living at all.
Video games rob us of our mortality.
This was me. 5 years of my life, one evening at a time. Never self actualizing, never thinking about what I wanted to achieve, all because I was addicted to doing it in Skyrim instead.
This, I knew needed to change. Now.
Or the only accolades I would ever have would be Xbox 360 achievements and World of Warcraft gold.
I would wake up 30 years from now (albeit enjoying it all the while) wondering what I did with my life.
The video game taper
Quitting anything is hard. Entropy is a violent thing. I was at war with myself, not wanting to give up something I love, but knowing it was quite detrimental for me.
But I knew, deep down, that my life was not my own. I was balling out in game and floundering, choking on water in real life.
As badly as I wanted to exist in the world of warlocks and wizards, eventually I had to log out. And when I did, I still had to face myself.
The escape became the escape and it was a vicious feedback loop. The only option was more. I felt nothing, and my life outside the world of goblins and dragons felt empty, but I leaned in, because it was all I had.
Fucking terrifying.
I knew that without change, Id be stuck on the roller coaster for life. It was time to wrangle the beast.
Willpower didnt work, neither did moderation (at the time). I had to get creative.
I present to you, the video game taper. My magnum opus.
Perhaps the first person in history to present such a tactic. Yes, we are weaning off like an alcoholic.
This is exactly what I did. I slowly made the gaming experience worse and worse until it was almost not enjoyable.
And it worked.
I had this big badass gaming computer with three screens that could run any game I wanted at the highest settings. I would sit there and rot, game with a stream on a side monitor, discord on another, all while listening to music. A literal dopamine factory.
Hardly even gaming.
So I made the experience worse over time. Switched to one monitor. Only game audio and my friends. Less stimulating, but still fun. Honestly, perhaps even more so. More immersive!
Then there was a stint where I would take my entire setup down every single time I finished playing. I had to really want to play in order to play, because I had to rebuild the whole thing first. Absolute lunacy. But it worked.
All it is, is friction.
I wasn’t coming home from work and autopiloting into my gaming chair anymore. I was forced to sit down and actually think about what I wanted to do with my evening.
Wasnt even willpower. There was just nothing else to do. I was forced to get creative. And that I did.
Eventually, and I still dont know how, I finally took a leap of faith.
I sold my gaming computer.
I told myself that I could replace it with a Steam Deck and a Nintendo Switch, which I did. I could still game, but of course the experience became even less “enjoyable.”
Now Im laying on the couch with nothing but the game. No music, no monitors, not a social activity anymore. Trying to play Counterstrike on a Steamdeck simply does not work.
And so naturally, I played less.
This of course limited the kinds of games that I could play. No more insane zoomer stim games that made me want to smash my desk into oblivion. Single player story. Little arcade games. Games with a start and a finish. Games with depth. No more ranked. Limited multiplayer.
Gaming experience nerfed.
I was also getting one shot by 6 year olds and would’ve been hard stuck wood tier forever at that rate. Full on noob again.
Finally I sold the Switch and the Steam Deck.
No haystack this time.
Bought a MacBook. A good one.
This was the final boss of my metamorphosis.
The reason this was so OP is that the entire nature of a MacBook is obviously not to game. It’s to create. To code and write and make things. All the big dog business owners and artists have Macs for a reason. Buying one is like buying into the idea of becoming a creator.
It made me want to do that, exactly the way my gaming PC made me want to game.
Bought a Studio Display. Magic Trackpad. Full sent it. I changed what was on my desk, and as a result, the things I did at my desk changed too.
Best part is I can still game on the Mac if I want to. The experience is just ass. The Studio Display is 60hz. Only so many games run natively on Mac OS.
I am a defeated caged animal.
But friction only gets you halfway. Make games worse and youre left with an empty evening. Something has to fill it.
I replaced my gaming addiction with other addictions. Things that, while maybe not as fun on paper, have been far more meaningful to the life Im actually living.
How do you give up something you love?
The answer is quite simple. You give it up for something you love even more.
Mine? Youre reading it. :)
Retirement is overrated
Since I quit video games, or severely limited my use of them, everything, and I mean everything, about my life has gotten better. Every single thing.
In a nutshell, I am happier, healthier, more accomplished and more confident. On paper at least, I am more successful, my relationships are better, and I have acquired real skills, in the real world, that will last beyond just this patch, or this meta.
All its done is make me wish I had spent 18-23 doing what Ive done from 23-27.
HOWEVER.
I slammed the big red button. Launched the nukes. Went full scorched earth turbo quit mode. Sold everything. Nerfed it into the ground.
Giving up something you love has repercussions. I have arrived at this place where I am in control of my vice, but now its hard for me to dabble in the thing I once labeled bad for me without feeling guilty. Very toxic. I am sure I am not here alone.
Remember the reason you may embark on such a journey, with any vice. To regain control. To become the master of your own fate. And once youve got the beast on a leash, to make it your friend. Because you love it. Because it will make the journey better.
So if you would, please allow me to argue against myself for a few lines.
Video games can be good, too.
The other side of the same coin.
The very fact that games make you forget your own mortality is so fucking good for you. Especially if youre a worrywart, stim chasing, type A neanderthal like me.
I neeeeeeeeed it. Need a little something to take the edge off.
We as adults dont get much of that. A vacation or two per year, and sleep. Thats about it.
Games can do that on a Tuesday.
Anything that gets me out of my own head is so, so needed. Take all the things that are deemed good for me. Exercise, eating healthy, sleep, meditation. None of them really get me out of myself and into the present. In fact they might even do the opposite. I think more.
Which is funny, because thats exactly what meditation is designed to do. Its touted as one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you think about what its doing, its trying to force your future thinking doomer brain into the now. Calming the nervous system and chilling you out.
Games are the closest thing to it Ive ever found. For me, even better.
My brain doesnt even really feel on. I cant check my inbox mid raid. I cant worry about pissing my boss off tomorrow when Im clutching up. Games ask for all of me, and I give it up happily, and for a few hours, I get to become someone else.
And to be honest, I think we are partially to blame for the negative connotation games get nowadays.
Thank you smart phones. Thank you TikTok. Always the damn phone.
We dont sink into games anymore. Every death, every load screen, right onto the phone. We game with music on, a stream on, a groupchat of 900 people. Of course everyone says games are dying.
Thats not gaming at all. Thats simply raising your brains dopamine threshold to a degree at which Elden Ring is now slow and boring.
Which means getting back in control doesnt just make your life better. It makes the games better too.
Quitting, regaining control, doesnt mean you need to give up games for life. It simply means a life where youre choosing them.
And that same control, is what might actually allow you to enjoy them the way you did when you were young.
“I’m back.” - Michael Jordan
Most nights in college I had a frozen DiGiorno for dinner. God, life was good.
I freaking love pizza. Still to this day my favorite food. Always will be. But these days, I have it maybe once a month.
When I first started taking my health seriously, I had a terrible relationship with all bad food. I didnt quite understand why or how to be healthy, and my body hadnt adjusted to what eating healthy felt like. I was in that weird limbo where you dont have it figured out yet. You eat poorly, you binge, you have weird cravings, and you feel guilty about all of it. Tough time, really.
I think a lot of people who eat well go through this. And eventually, I think most of them land on their feet. Because they realize they dont actually want the pizza anymore.
There is no more guilt. I dont feel an ounce of shame for eating pizza, ever. I simply dont want it most of the time. Other foods make me feel better, perform better, and help me hit my goals.
Whats interesting about following the 80/20 rule for long enough is that eventually you just end up loving the 80%. And the 20% tastes even better.
Thats exactly where I am with games right now. The limbo.
One day Id like to get over the guilt the same way I did with pizza. Just need time, patience, and practice.
If youre like me, I dont think total abstinence is the answer, or ever needs to be. But understand that it will take some level of commitment. You will fail and fold and feel guilt. It will take work, and in a sense its almost harder than abstaining altogether.
But in the end, I think its worth it.
I dont want to game every day, every minute either. Too much cool shit happening. Too many opportunities. But that doesnt mean I cant lose myself in Los Santos (or Miami) here and there.
So yeah, Ill probably buy GTA VI. First Ill need a console. And a TV. Still dont own one of those. (If you told 20 year old me that future me would be a console warrior, he wouldve called you crazy.)
Anyway, yeah. Balance.
I still think about that Sheetz parking lot.
Some guy out there is on my old rig right now, hard stuck diamond, having the time of his life. Good. He should be. Banger of a deal.
I think I just needed to not be him for a while. Needed to figure out who Dante was. Needed to take off the ankle weights.
For years video games made me forget I was going to die. Watching him drive off is what made me remember.
Turns out I needed both.
Best thing Ive ever done or one of the dumbest? Still dont know. Ask me when Im 40.
I hope at the very least this gave you some perspective.
Thanks for reading. Catch you next time.
Peace.
—Dante