How to raise kids in the age of devices

Don't (always) hand them the iPad

Winslow Homer, “Boys in a Pasture” (1874)

Kids come home from school and hangout with their friends on Discord instead of going to play roller hockey. They’re soft and gentle because they’ve never had their knees shredded to a pulp by the cheese grater that is a sports court. They eat Oreos and kettle cooked potato chips and drink Celsius to fuel their evening Fortnite binge. All to wash it down with a little chit chat with a chat bot on a TikTok riddled cell phone.

I’m 26, trying my best to fight unlimited screen use, eat a clean diet, and still find it unbelievably difficult to resist the temptation to rot at every stoplight, elevator ride, or wait in line. The young brain, the developing brain, is more plastic than mine by a landslide. Far more sensitive to stimulation and fueled by processed food and sugar that only accentuate the problem. The only way my mind can imagine a modern day 12 year old’s brain is “amusement park.” Cotton candy, arcade games, lights, loud music, funnel cake. A complete shit show. Luckily (or unluckily) I no longer have to imagine. I’ve seen it first hand.

Recently, I sat down on an airplane next to a kid who was somewhere between the ages of 10 and 13. I’m not exaggerating, his level of zoomerism was absolutely peak.

He had maybe 4 different snacks, all candy and carb infused. He played no less than 7 different games. He watched 5 minutes of 4 or 5 different movies. He watched highlight reels of Saquon Barkley. He listened to music, if you can even call it that, the rate at which he was changing songs. He was genuinely hitting the woah on beat drops. He was messaging homies and chicks on Snapchat, tilting his phone toward me to show me that he too had a girlfriend. The flight was an hour and he had successfully done more in that hour than I had in my entire day. Calorically, he probably ate more than my girlfriend had in 24 hours. What’s more, with each win in a game or song swap, he actually looked to us to get a reaction. He wanted our approval. And we gave it to him.

He was a nice kid. But absolutely, and utterly, beyond cooked. So far gone. It was honestly my first glimpse into what zero parental control can do when it comes to food and devices in the 21st century. My girlfriend and I got off the plane and the only thing she had to say was “omg I want to hug his little brain.” The kid just couldn’t calm down and it’ll probably be a long long time until he can, if ever.

I left that airport sad at the prospect of the world and what this means for future generations, and what I think I may do with my own kids when, one day, I hopefully sit in that seat.

Not impossible

I’m at that age where friends and family members are starting to settle down. Getting married, having kids. So I feel closer to the subject than I ever have. Naturally, I’ve started asking questions. What’s fun. Challenging. Easy. Unexpected. And it’s become abundantly clear that the biggest challenge my generation is going to face with our children is the screen time problem. We’re all acutely aware of the issue, and most young parents I know are working to figure it out. But sadly, over and over, every time it comes up, I end up hearing the same sad thing: “I just don’t think it’s possible to manage.” Already?! Your baby is 3 months old! Not yet!

Frankly, this irritates me.

Not because it’s not hard to manage, but because I simply hate the idea of throwing in the towel so easily. We cannot. And of course, yes it’s easy for me to cast judgement when I’m not sitting in the seat. I get that. I don’t doubt for a second it’ll be incredibly challenging. I’m absolutely certain I’ll bottle it at some point with my own kids. But hard doesn’t mean impossible. Anything worth doing won’t be easy. In my opinion, it doesn’t really matter how challenging it is. It needs to be done. For our kids and the generations that follow.

And honestly, I don’t even think it’s the regulation that makes this hard, at least not in the early years. A 3 year old doesn’t know what an iPad is unless you hand them one. The hard part is the temptation on your end. Handing your kid a device makes your life significantly easier in the moment. It’s harmless today, so who cares.

You must not fall into this trap. You can’t. It is not a one time choice, it’s hundreds of tiny moments that seem completely benign now, but cost an arm and a leg later.

Which means your life as a parent will be far more difficult than the life of the parent who just doesn’t give a shit. You won’t be able to tranquilize your kid with an iPad when they start crying at the restaurant. You won’t be able to hand them an iPhone when they’re 8 and going to practice for the first time, you’ll have to figure something else out. You won’t be able to spam TikTok reels yourself, because monkey see monkey do.

The easier road is right there, and most people are going to take it.

Which brings me to my first and most important point (and the mindset I think I’ll have when I have kids).

Lead by example

The best way to enforce habit change on others is to lead by example. Asking your buddy to come to the gym day after day never works. Getting in great shape in front of him over six months sure does. Behavior is contagious, and I can’t even imagine how much more this applies to kids. You are their idol. You are their protector. They look to you for safety, knowledge, support. Everything you do, they’ll do, in time. Their early years are the foundation, the base for everything else that follows.

This is the most important part of this entire essay and if you take nothing else away I think it should be this.

If you want your child to live a life more device free, then you yourself must live a life more device free. You set the bar without even realizing it. You create the normal. The hardest part about this entire problem, is that we, as parents, aren’t equipped to make this happen. We enjoy our phones, our technology, our televisions. We like camping out in front of screens and swiping and gaming.

And so when our little Roger finally enters the chat, he enters the ecosystem that we’ve created and live in. This will be hard to accept, and many won’t, but it’s the best thing you can do for your child.

You can’t doomscroll while eating lunch with your son. If you sit on the computer playing video games, naturally they’ll get curious and want to try. If you take out your phone at the restaurant, they’ll think this is okay.

You must be different. You need to live a life of limited screen time, at least in front of them. You need to create a tech free biome for them to grow up in. Build a big library and read books. Watch movies and TV sparingly. Use your phone as a communication device, not an entertainment factory. If your evenings look like sitting on the couch watching American Idol, then that’s what they’ll expect. If your mornings are filled with breakfast and Instagram reels, that’s what they’ll expect. If daddy sits in his office all day behind the big light producing cube, that becomes the normal.

YOU, not your neighbors, not the kids’ friends, not the randoms at the restaurant, decide what the home looks like. You decide if there are TVs in the house or if phones are allowed at the dinner table. You get to decide (as a byproduct of the environment you create) how your child spends their free time.

If you want your kid begging you for iPad time then make that default down time. If you want them to find an alternative, then you must provide one.

This, is perhaps an even bigger challenge.

You are the alternative

What actually happens if your kids don’t have screens? Well, your kid is going to be bored. A lot. The Nintendo Switch kid down the street has infinite stimulation on tap. Yours doesn’t. That gap has to be filled by something, and that something is you.

This is what actually makes it hard. It’s not just leading by example. Not just the environment you create, or the rules you set. It’s the time you will lose. Strip away the device that captures their individual attention, and they will look to you instead. As they should.

You must actively fill the void. You cannot expect a 4 year old to be okay sitting still. It falls on you to fill what would have been screen time with something else. Doodle with them. Take walks. Shoot hoops. Do 150 jumps into the pool. Sit on the floor and build legos for an hour when you’d rather be on your phone. If you don’t fill that space, they’ll reach for the alternative. At home, you’re the alternative.

But Dante, I have work calls. Responsibilities. Places to be. Absolutely you do. But understand the tradeoffs. The more often you make it a habit, the more often it becomes default. It’s a slippery slope, and one that’s hard to climb back from.

Just do your best not to pass your child off to the babysitter (the iPad) for as long as you can. I know I’ve been harsh, but this has never been about being perfect. You can’t be. Screens are part of the world.

Even if you have a perfectly insulated home, they’ll only stay inside it for so long. Eventually they’ll have friends. Eventually they’ll go to little Johnny’s house. Eventually they’ll leave your grasp, and the world out there is not built like the home you’ve built. You won’t be able to be the alternative forever. Which is why, before they ever walk out that door, you need to do everything in your power to set them up for success.

You, as the parent, make the rules and shape their values. Remember that.

The rules apply to everyone, you included

In my opinion, there are two ways to fail at this. One is doing nothing. The other is doing too much.

We all knew the kid whose parents were ridiculously strict and then the kid goes off to college, finally has freedom, and goes absolutely nuclear.

The other is the kid on the airplane, whose parents did nothing at all.

Both lose. I think the answer lives somewhere in the middle.

If you think about it, children don’t really have friends or leave the house until they’re like 5. These are the prime years to start building a foundation, so when they take their first leap from the nest, their brains are hopefully in better shape than most. Your job in these years isn’t to ban everything, it’s to give them structure.

Don’t go full neanderthal. Kids need to know what technology is. The point isn’t to live in a cave, it’s to design an environment that’s healthier and more conducive to appropriate use.

These screens do not give a shit who you are or where you come from. They are scientifically designed to fuck with your biology. It does not matter if your child reads 100 books by age 2; the second they touch an iPhone and get their hands on Jet Pack Joy Ride, they’re cooked. It will be the best thing they’ve ever done in their life.

But you also can’t do nothing. There are a million ways to manage this, but one thing holds true: you must do something, even if they hate you for it.

So set limits. A set amount of time. Even better, a period of time where the two of you do those things together. “Hey kid, let’s spend 20 minutes looking at social media to see the new London Marathon PR, then let’s go shoot hoops.” Participate so they see that you follow the rules too. Any rule you set, you must follow, or they will resent you. Do not take your child’s Nintendo Switch and then make them watch you play Clash Royale on your phone.

The friends question is the same question. When your kid hits the age where they leave your grasp, they’re sentient enough to have a real conversation with. They are smart, remember that. Your child will go over to little Johnny’s, and little Johnny will have the new GTA, and your kid will be exposed to the coolest thing he’s ever seen. He’ll come home begging for the PlayStation. Same will be true for cell phones, computers, TVs.

Don’t be a helicopter. The human brain wants most what it can’t have. Don’t light that fire. Get them the phone, or the Xbox, or the Switch, but show them it’s not the only hobby. Explain the downsides. Let them learn and make decisions for themselves. They want to be treated like adults at a certain point. They’re going to live in this world whether you like it or not. Better they learn the roads with you in the car than discover them on their own.

On comms

How will I communicate with my kid? A good question. How do you reach your kid when they leave the nest if they don’t have a phone?

Buy a smart watch. Kids can use an Apple Watch to call and text and the functionality is limited by design. They can communicate but they can’t doomscroll or accidentally buy $600 of Clash of Clans gems on your credit card. You could also get a dumb phone, or use something like Brick to restrict what a normal phone can do. Keep the phone what it’s supposed to be. A tool.

Another alternative is to have them send physical letters in the mail.

Your child will probably try to find loopholes. Good. Let their little brains problem solve. It’s probably good for them.

Lean in

What if your kid is the next Mr. Beast or Tom Holland and you never let them touch a screen? What if they love watching movies and want to be an actor and have a natural talent for it? What if instead of watching Fortnite chug jug videos they like watching people play piano on YouTube and they’re the next Beethoven? How would you ever know.

Screens are part of life. Here to stay. And if we cannot escape, the next best alternative, I think, is to lean in. What’s most important, aside from leading by example, is that we as parents enable our kids to use technology to do cool things. Not just to consume but to create. If they love Roblox or Pokemon, help them learn how to make videos or write something. If they love gaming, get them to stream. If they love performing, help them make videos. Show them there’s an outlet. Show them these screens aren’t bad, they can be used to build a fulfilling life around something you actually care about.

This is something I wish I’d realized earlier. As a parent, I want to do what I can not to pull my kids away from their interests, screen related or not, but to push them toward those things.

I want my kids to optimize for happiness and nothing else.

Screens are only really bad when used purely to distract the brain, suffocate the thoughts, or be a permanent escape. When they become a hobby, a passion, and potentially a line of work, which I think they can be for anyone now, they’re not so bad after all. You are the one who needs to enable that mindset in them.

Good luck

I don’t have kids, but it’s all I’ve ever known I’ve wanted. I’ll face these same challenges one day, and this is what I’m going to try to remember when I do: I don’t need to be perfect, and I shouldn’t be, but I can’t give in, and I need to try my best. And I think you should too. For the future our children deserve.

Thanks for reading. Rooting for you (and your kids).

— Dante